


it's getting harder to stay awake (and my strength is fading fast)

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: Coming Back As We Are [7]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blangst, Homophobic Language, Illnesses, Klaine, M/M, Mugging, Physical Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, The happy ending is in the next fic in the series, Verbal Abuse, Violence, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-12 04:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4464731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine runs away from home after his father hits him, and as he's drifting away into oblivion he gets violently mugged. An infection sets in and as he lays dying in the one place he always found comfort in he makes a rash decision and calls the one person he swore he'd never tell the whole truth to.</p><p>Prequel to "everything i gave you".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. bleed until i can't breathe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Spookyclaire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spookyclaire/gifts), [hdarchive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hdarchive/gifts).



> Title is from "Awake and Alive" by Skillet.
> 
> By the way, all thoughts expressed here are Blaine's. I think that he deserves Kurt in any story, and that Kurt deserves him (as long as they work together and communicate).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Stitches" by Shawn Mendes.

_"Stars are only visible in darkness_

_Fear is ever-changing and evolving_

_And I have been poisoned inside_

_But I, I feel so alive_

_Nobody can save me now..."_

_-Imagine Dragons_ , Battle Cry

 

It comes out of nowhere.

It's the evening and Blaine is at a gas station near Traveler's Bridge, about to get into his car after filling up the tank (he still has no idea where he's going- he's probably just going to drive around aimlessly until he reaches the end of the money he has with him. Then he'll pull over to the side of the road, get out of the car, and die in a ditch. Yeah, that'll be a fitting ending.), when he gets hit from behind.

Pain cracks violently against the back of his skull and he tumbles forward, falling to his knees. Before he can get up he's kicked in the gut, a searing pain scissoring through his chest, and then his jacket's ripped off and someone tears through his pockets, ripping out his wallet and his phone. He lays there, coughing, his knees scraped and bleeding under his jeans as in the background he hears a car start up and drive off. As soon as the nausea dies down just a little he lifts his head to see that his car is gone.

* * *

_"I broke up with Kurt, father, I'm all alone in this world. I'm worthless and I have no friends left. Isn't that what you want to hear?" Blaine asked tiredly. He just wanted this conversation to be over with so he could go to his room and sleep. That was all he wanted to do lately, it seemed. When he was asleep he didn't have to deal with the pain that had become so ever present it felt like a second skin; instead, he could sink into oblivion where nothing mattered anymore._

_"Though I'm glad you're finally admitting the truth, fag, nothing can make up for the fact that you're like this in the first place." His father flipped the next page of the newspaper nonchalantly, and it suddenly_ hit _Blaine that this was_ normal _for his father. There was no sadistic intent behind it. The way he insulted his son with such nonchalance was mind blowing, now that Blaine thought about it, as if he didn't even realize that with every word he said he was slowly killing his son from the inside out._

_And that was when Blaine snapped. He had no idea why it took him so long, but suddenly all the pressure had come to a head and he just had to let it out. He had lost everything he cared about over the last few years- his sense of safety after the bashing, his friends at Dalton after the slushie betrayal, even Kurt, the one person he'd thought he'd be with forever. Sure, the last one was his fault, but if his parents hadn't turned him into this damaged shell of a person then maybe he could have deserved Kurt and wouldn't have had to lie to him to get Kurt to break them up._

_He didn't even register the words that were coming out of his mouth until at least half of them were gone. He himself was too far gone in misery to care anyway, the broken pieces of his former life fallen apart around him. He no longer cared how his father would respond, what insults he would come up with, because he'd already heard them all anyway. "Who the fuck do you think you are to call me that? You're no father if you think that that's how fathers treat their sons. You're the worthless one here, not me. You're the coward, picking on a boy less than half your age and insulting him for things he can't control. You know what? Fuck you, father. I don't care what you think anymore."_

_"DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!" His father roared, and suddenly Blaine saw a hand swing down. Then there was a sickening_ crack _and a rush of pain as flesh met flesh._

_And Blaine ran._

* * *

Everything just _hurts_.

Blood is trickling down his temple and it's hard to breathe. Every breath is agony as his ribs are jostled and he can't stop the tears that are running down his face. The edges of his vision are tinted with black as he slowly drags himself down to the bridge, cracked phone in hand. The muggers had apparently dropped it in their haste to get away, and he picked it up on his way to the bridge.

Blaine knows he's going to die. He took a first aid class at Dalton after the bashing, in addition to his boxing, and he knows that the pain in his side is indicating a bruised rib and combined with the open wounds on his temple, the back of his head, and his legs, as well as the fact that he hasn't eaten or drank anything since lunch yesterday (and by the time he manages to drag his aching body five miles to the bridge, it's evening the next day) coupled with the puking he did before he left the gas station means that there's little to no hope of survival without proper treatment. Well, this is the perfect shitty ending to his perfectly shitty life. 

Even knowing that he deserves it, though, doesn't mean it hurts any less.

* * *

He's no longer in reality. His mouth is dry, coated with the taste of bile and the acidic remnants of puke, and he knows somewhere in the back of his mind that he hasn't eaten in days, but nothing matters anymore. He's hot, burning hot, and not even pressing the sweaty, burning skin on his arms and his temple up against the cool surface of the shed behind him helps. He feels like he's being baked in an oven, and it's agony-

And then he's freezing cold, shivering in the thin layer of clothing he still has left, and there's nothing he can use to cover up. Everything fluctuates, alternating between the two extremes, and soon the only thing Blaine feels is _exhausted_. Every cough, every splatter of bile, is weaker than the one before, draining more and more out of him. He's losing his grip on everything, the pounding of the river current inseparable from the pounding in his head, and then-

Then, somehow, he's called Kurt. He has no idea what's even going on,  but he knows this is the end. Kurt should know the truth- he'll understand, right? Kurt's always understood him and gotten him, no matter what. "Kurt, I'm dying. I'm dying and..." A deep, shuddering breath, "I need to tell you the truth. I...I lied." It takes so much effort to get the words out, to make his dry, exhausted mouth to work. "I never...cheated on you. That guy...was a lie. It was only...ever you. I...love you, but I don't...deserve you."

Kurt speaks, and hearing his beautiful voice again is like heaven, but Blaine's mind doesn't comprehend a word of what he's saying. It doesn't matter anyway, right? Just that Kurt is there, and listening, and Blaine can tell him the truth. 

"I love you, Kurt, and...and that's why I gave you up," Blaine whispers.

Blaine vaguely registers Kurt pleading with him to tell him where he is, but that's not important. Kurt just needs to know the truth, and then he can die in peace.

"Hey, Kurrt..." He pauses, trying to remember what he was thinking. Everything is slipping away him, and he's struggling to hold onto what he needs to say. "...You are my only...my missing puzzle piece." A pause, a beat passes before Kurt responds.

"I love you, Blaine," he hears Kurt say faintly, and his tired heart thuds a little.

"Kurt..." Blaine murmurs weakly, and from somewhere deep inside, he remembers an old song. Somehow, his exhausted, delirious brain makes one last moment snap connection and the words spill from his lips."Somewhere...only we know."

His phone slips away from him, and then everything else does.


	2. tell her, that i'm sick of living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A thought from the mind of Blaine Anderson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from Petrarch's "Sonnet 333".

_"When the hour is nigh_

_And hopelessness is sinking in_

_And the wolves all cry_

_To fill the night with hollering_

_When your eyes are red_

_And emptiness is all you know_..."

 _-Imagine Dragons,_ Bleeding Out

(Blaine doesn't leave a suicide note.)

He knows that he is going to die, even as he takes that first step out the front door after his father slaps him. He knows that there is nothing left for him in this world.

For a moment as he's starting up the car he's tempted to turn around and walk back into the house, take his punishment and continue to slowly die inside, but in the end he doesn't. He'd rather his death be on his terms, all at once rather than slowly, life eking out day by day until he's left with only a shell of who he used to be.

In the end the choice is taken away from him before he gets a chance to decide how to end it all, but as he crawls down the side of a road with a pounding, bloody head and a mouth as dry as the Sahara Desert he realizes that it's better this way. No hard decisions- all he has to do is to let go and then he'll be gone.

(Blaine doesn't leave a suicide note because he knows no one will care that he's gone.)

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to give kudos and leave comments!


End file.
